You know it’s the end of your relationship, but now you have to wrestle with how to tell your partner. First of all, don’t break up with your significant other via text message, email or by changing your Facebook status. You have spent months or even years with this individual and he or she deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. Yes, it’s difficult and most people would rather eat glass than have the break-up conversation, but here are ways to make it go down easier.
(Relatively) Painless Breakups
First, plan to have the conversation in person. There is one exception: if you feel that you might be in physical danger. Otherwise, breaking up with someone via phone, text message or email is demeaning to you both and trivializes the relationship you had.
Before you “call the meeting,” make sure this is really what you want to do and you’re not going to change your mind. Sometimes in the heat of conversation, your partner may say or do something that will make you doubt your decision. If you are really sure that the relationship is over, hold your ground. If you’re not 100 percent sure, give yourself time to deal with your doubts and feelings before expressing them to your partner.
Next, pick a neutral place, if necessary. Ideally, it’s best to have this conversation at your partner’s home because it’s private and if your soon-to-be-ex gets emotional, he or she won’t have to drive or walk home. However, if your partner has a temper or you think will react badly, pick a neutral location where other people will be around. You might also want to consider having a friend or family member nearby, just in case.
Be sure to have your reasons for wanting to end the relationship ready. Your partner will want to know why and deserves an honest response. It could be something simple like, “I’ve enjoyed our time together, but I think the relationship has run its course. I simply don’t see us going any further.” Or, you may have more specific reasons which you should feel confident enough to share such as, “I enjoy your company, but I feel that you are too dependent on me for your happiness,” or “It’s been a great nine months, but in the long run, I don’t think we’re a great match because our values and goals are different. You want to be married in a couple of years, and I don’t.” Say what you have to say, be direct, and get to the point. This will make the conversation easier on both of you.
Whatever your reasons for ending the relationship, think it through and practice what you want to say. A good way to structure the conversation is to start out with the great things about the relationship and your partner, then move on to why you’ve made the decision to end the relationship. Be very clear that the relationship is over. Don’t use phrases like, “I need some time to myself” or, “Let’s take a break.” Your partner may hold on to these ambiguous comments as a ray of hope. If you know the relationship is over, make it clear — don’t leave it open for discussion.
Once you’ve expressed yourself, give your partner a turn — and listen to what he or she says. Even if your partner becomes emotional or angry, encourage him or her to speak freely. This will allow closure and perhaps alleviate the need for follow-up conversations.
And lastly, don’t let the conversation end without your partner fully understanding that the relationship is over. This is your opportunity to end the conversation with kindness and allow your partner to walk away with dignity and self-respect. Reiterate your gratitude for the time you’ve had together. Wish your partner well and say your good-byes.
By planning the break-up conversation and thoughtfully walking your partner through the “whys,” you will ensure that both of you — while perhaps disappointed and sad — can move forward with genuine fondness and regard for each other.