Help for Money Arguments
Source: Relationship Coaching Corner
Dear Coach Greg:
I’m so mad at my husband right now I just want to barf! We seem to be having the same arguments about money over and over again. I feel that we should enjoy life and live a little while we can, while he would like to save every last penny for a “rainy day”. I easily get annoyed with him, he tunes me out, I start raising my voice, to which he responds by leaving the room slamming the door behind him on the way out. Two or three days of the “silent treatment” follows before we pretend nothing happened and get busy with our usual routine. Do other couples also argue about money? Can you help us?
Material Girl
Dear Material Girl:
Take a few deep breaths, then find an enjoyable activity (other than shopping) to get relaxed and hopefully reconnected to your husband. Yes, you are not alone when it comes to arguing about the personal value we place on money. According to a study by Money magazine, 84 percent of couples said money creates tension in their marriage and that 15 percent fought about money several times a month. Based on my professional experience, many of my relationship coaching clients argue about money until they complete a Money Personality Profile and are taught more constructive ways to discuss a variety of financial issues based on the research conducted at the Active Relationships Center. Key concepts to keep in mind are:
1. It is best to handle problems as a “team” – either you will nurture a sense that you are a “team” working together against the problem or your will operate as if you are working against each other;
2. Discuss problems thoroughly before trying to solve them (i.e. – Speaker~Listener Problem Discussion Technique – PREP, Inc.) – discuss from the head and from the heart; and
3. Quick solutions are not lasting solutions – most couples try to solve problems before they have thoroughly discussed the problem at hand and understood each other’s perspective.
Some helpful resources that can assist you in learning this valuable communication skill include:
1. Take a relationship enrichment workshop (i.e. - Couples’ Finances: Yours, Mine, and Ours, www.arapahoe.edu, or www.smartmarriages.com).
2. Read the books: Fighting for Your Marriage by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg; or You Paid How Much for That?! How to Win at Money Without Losing at Love by Jenkins, Stanley, Bailey, and Markman.
3. Hire a trained Relationship Coach (www.RelationshipCoach.us) or a Certified Family Life Educator (www.ncfr.org) to support you and your spouse.
Send your relationship question for Relationship Coaching Corner to: gregrthiel@comcast.net or visit www.RelationshipCoach.us.
