Exhilaration. Love. Passion. If you don’t feel even the faintest twinge of excitement at those words, call your doctor—an MRI might be in order. Because even the most jaded of us are hardwired to feel a surge of positive emotions in connection with love.
What causes some people to become hooked on falling in love? Turns out, these cravings are linked to some pretty scientific phenomena. Being in loving or being on cocaine: in terms of brain function, the effect is virtually the same. Chemically speaking, we love to be in love. But some of us may develop a habit of being in love for the sake of being in love. And that can be dangerous.
Pop Quiz: Are You Addicted to Love?
True/False I tend to fall in love fast and hard
True/False I tend to fall in love frequently—with different people
True/False I use the word “soul mate” on a routine basis
True/False I crave romance and excitement throughout all phases of a relationship
True/False I am a big believer in love at first sight
True/False I think love is about passion and excitement
True/False I watch a ton of romantic comedies or dramas
True/False I think the relationship dynamics in these movies are generally realistic
Selecting True on most of the questions above doesn’t automatically mean that you are a love-aholic. It probably does mean, however, that you are die-hard romantic. And as a romantic, you may be more vulnerable than other people to such an addiction.
The compulsive desire to fall in love—over and over again—can also be prompted by poor childhood nurturing, low-self esteem, lack of positive relationship role models or unrealistic depictions of romance in the media. Even our bodies can work against us, cranking out hard-to-resist chemicals—chemicals we may try to re-manufacture once the initial buzz wears off.
The Science of Love
In a scientific study, various subjects’ brains were scanned as they viewed a photo of their beloved. The study revealed that when people are in love:
- The craving portion of the brain (the caudate area) becomes very active
- Dopamine—a powerful neurotransmitter affecting pleasure and motivation—is released, flooding the caudate area
- The caudate—now having a good time—sends signs for even more dopamine
- The transmission of dopamine causes the subject to feel a significant chemical high, similar to the effects of cocaine
The Science of Lust
Lust produces is own chemical reactions; however, the brain systems processing “love” and “lust” appear to be distinct. Subjects shown erotic images had the following reactions:
- The hypothalamus—which controls drives such as hunger and thirst—was activated
- The amygdale—which handles arousal—was also activated
Love and lust do have an intersection point: when dopamine is released, it triggers the production of testosterone, which is critical for sex drive in both men and women.
The Science of Heartbreak
Given the “feel good” sensations triggered by being in love, love addiction is an understandable temptation. While being in love makes us feel good, being rejected makes us feel bad—literally. Subjects who had been recently rejected by their beloved were shown pictures of their exes. Their brain scans revealed that the insular cortex—the part of the brain that experiences physical pain—became very active.
Breaking the Addiction
If you 1) feel a compulsive need to be in love at all times; 2) find yourself leaving healthy relationships merely because the “spark” is gone; or 3) fall in love too quickly, you may need an intervention. Here are some steps to help you stop trying to get a quick “fix” from love … and attain a meaningful, sustainable relationship:
- Quit cold turkey
- Know thyself
- Enjoy the rush
If you are hardcore love addict, you may need to quit all your romantic interactions cold turkey. Take a 3-6 month fast from love. During this period, don’t flirt, don’t date … don’t even think about dating. Limit your face-to-face and social media interactions to platonic friends. Focus on your hobbies and interests—channel your passion for romance into a passion for life.
Learn to separate your feelings when you are with your love interest from your feelings for your love interest. When you are engrossed in spending time with a partner, you may not always be able to see the relationship clearly. Take a step back and try to objectively assess if you are really in love with this particular person … or if you are just in love with the romance itself.
Once you have gained mastery over your emotions and have determined that your feelings for your partner are indeed lasting and sincere, enjoy! We naturally feel pleasure from being in love. So long as we are not in manic pursuit of a false emotional high, we can and should cultivate relationships that bring meaning, pleasure and satisfaction to our lives.