Parents and Emotional Intimacy: Connecting Through the Chaos
Research repeatedly shows that a strong and healthy marriage profoundly affects all other relationships, including those with children, parents, friends, coworkers and employers.
The strength of the couple relationship largely is determined by the intimacy couples share.
“The marriage comes first. All other people and events come after the marriage,” said Dr. Paul Pearsall, author of Super Marital Sex. “Children, parents, work and play all benefit most by marital priority instead of martial sacrifice, because the marriage is the central unit to all other processes. If it is true that we reap what we sow, then marriages are in big trouble…If we put as much time in our working as we allow for our loving, we would end up unemployed or bankrupt.”
Sex and intimacy are not the same thing, but they are related. Both are essential to a marriage, especially one with children. Physical intimacy is important, but it must be built on emotional intimacy to have the strongest effect on the relationship.
Finding time to strengthen that relationship can be much more difficult with small children. Stress levels are heightened. There’s more work to do around the house with scraping food off the floor, the walls and the dog, and constantly picking up the destruction that follows in the children’s wake.
Intimacy is even more difficult if the kids end up in your bed more often than their own.
Besides the house, the children also can destroy the time, energy and mood required to make time spent alone enjoyable or even possible.
Despite the challenges, it is important that you and your spouse make regular time for each other. Couples must create and defend time together. Whether that time is found on vacation, a date night or just talking together before bed, it is important to stay emotionally connected with each other.
Conversations also must be about more than just the kids. While the children are an important part of the marriage, husbands and wives need to stay connected about each other’s lives, struggles, triumphs and dreams.
Besides talking about the funny or challenging things the kids did today, make sure you also share what happened to you during the day. The couple relationship needs to be the place you can talk about the challenges and successes of the day.
To create and maintain emotional intimacy, couples regularly should discuss several key topics. It is important to discuss these and other issues throughout marriage to ensure that you and your spouse retain emotional intimacy even as each partner and the relationship itself may evolve.
- Expectations for marriage and each other — Identify roles and responsibilities. How have conflicts been handled, and how should they be handled in the future? What are your marriage goals? Be willing to apologize and admit when you are wrong. Be proactive; solve problems immediately and don’t let misunderstandings grow into larger conflicts.
- Goals for marriage — Unrealistic and unmet expectations often lead to resentment in relationships. Be committed! Commitment is a choice. Couples who believe divorce is not an option are less likely to take steps to end the relationship.
- Money matters — Are you and your spouse savers or spenders? Discuss your spending habits and plans. Discuss what has worked so far and what areas need improvement.
- Why did you get married — Was it for commitment, love, loneliness, escape or impatience? Has that changed? Take stock of your personal priorities to assure that your relationship with your spouse gets the attention it deserves.
- Children and discipline — How many? How soon? What are the costs involved? How will the children affect both your lives? Will both parents work or will one stay home? How will you work to keep your marriage healthy after you have children? How will you handle discipline?
- How time commitments (work/career, family/friends, social activities) affect your marriage — Make "Date Night" a priority. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just time scheduled for you and your mate to be together.
It can be dangerous to the marriage if you only talk together about the children while keeping your own issues bottled up or — worse yet — you share your life, dreams and struggles with someone else.
“If spending time talking with your spouse is a priority you have to put it before other things in your date book,” said Dr. Parrott, co-founder, with his wife Leslie, of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University (realrelationships.com) and author of numerous books on marriage and parenthood.
“The reason most goals are not achieved is that we spend our time doing second things first. Leslie and I say that our marriage comes first, but that doesn’t matter if we devote our time to what is lower on our list. Making your marriage a priority is the secret to reclaiming the conversations you have been missing together.”
