Lowering your standards isn’t the answer to finding love. Who wants to settle for someone less attractive, less caring, less intelligent, etc.?

But some people seem on an eternal quest to find a “perfect” partner, one who probably doesn’t exist outside of the storybooks. Since childhood, we’ve been taught to keep an eye out for Prince (or Princess) Charming. Grown-up movies and romantic comedies perpetuate these expectations — we’re waiting for the dashing hero/heroine who will intuitively understand our plight and rescue us from our suffering. Until he or she arrives, we feel rather lost. We lament our loneliness and curse our impeccably good taste: “Why should I have to settle?”

It’s an unattractive dilemma: Commit to someone who doesn’t quite measure up to your ideal—or live the rest of your life alone because you can’t find anyone who meets your criteria.
 
The problem is not in our specific standards, but in our maturity about how we define those standards. It’s perfectly reasonable to want a mate who is attractive. Your particular idea of what attractive is, however, could be unrealistic. While it’s ridiculous to commit to someone you aren’t fundamentally attracted to, it’s amazing how much more attractive someone becomes when you love them. Attractiveness is a quality that can vary slightly an infinite number of times throughout the day. These variations are based partly on physical attributes but also on attitude, chemistry, personality and sense of humor.

Too often, a first date never happens because the initial attraction isn’t there. But attraction that is fully developed on a first encounter is probably skin-deep; there isn’t much hope of ever becoming any more attracted to that person than you are right now. Mature attraction grows based on traits that may be initially less apparent. Equally important is your mindset — beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. Choosing to continually look for your partner’s beauty (rather than for his/her defects) helps renew our initial attraction.

Appeal that is defined strictly in colors or measurements limits our creative capacity for seeing beauty in others. It also limits our dating options. You may be attracted to height — and that’s fine. But do you really need your partner to tower over you? You may prefer long and lean (or curvy) physiques, but are you willing to accept the common “defects” that often accompany each body type?

Don’t get so wrapped up in how the person looks that you neglect the issues that can really plague a relationship. If you don’t share similar interests and activities, it will be more challenging to spend time together. If you don’t have similar goals and values, you may frequently be at odds.

True Perfection

The most important thing isn’t whether your mate is “perfect.” What really matters is whether he/she is a good fit for you. How many of your expectations are based on somewhat generic standards of beauty as opposed to the more important factors of compatibility? Ever wonder why some relationships start out so passionately only to burn out? It’s because once you’ve blazed through the physical newness you realize that you don’t have anything in common. You may find that person is far from anyone’s idea of perfect, much less yours.  

Your vision of a perfect mate doesn’t have to align with anyone else’s (and if it’s a multi-dimensional depiction, it probably won’t). More importantly, your vision of the perfect mate should always admit room for humanity. Otherwise, you may wind up with an aesthetically-pleasing, but utterly unappealing cyborg of a partner.

What we forget from fairytales is that the characters are rarely as lovely at the beginning as they are at the end. Cinderella sat around in rags; she needed fancy shoes and a small menagerie of animal-servants to make her beauty more publicly recognizable. And the creature in Beauty and the Beast was beastly in both form and temperament — until he began to shed his selfishness.

Looks are largely predetermined by DNA. However, we are made more or less beautiful by our actions and attitudes. Likewise, we have the ability to paint our impressions of others in either more generous or less generous strokes.

When you find someone with the baseline traits you are looking for, try to look past superficial flaws. Decide what attributes form the essential outline of your “perfect” mate; don’t worry if a few cosmetic features stray outside those boundaries. Love is art, not science. Small “imperfections” prove authenticity and can add unique beauty and dimension to a person.