You are not alone … substance abuse affects millions of families. It is a difficult road to travel and can have severe consequences. When you think about it, you may find that a lot of your energy has been focused on your addicted partner – trying to rescue, cover up for, or stop him/her from destroying careers or even lives. Should you continue in this relationship, the strength, persistence, and understanding you provide will be crucial to your partner’s recovery. At the same time, it is very important to concentrate on your own needs in order to let your partner handle the consequences of his/her actions. The probability of both yours and your partner’s recovery increases when you eliminate any of your enabling and care-taking behaviors. The following suggestions may be of help to you as your partner is struggling with addiction.

1. Educate yourself. A basic understanding of the problem is fundamental to being able to resolve any issue. It is important that you begin to learn more about the addiction process and how it affects you. Education will empower you with new ideas and help you process the guilt, frustration, and anger that go along with being in a relationship with someone struggling with an addiction.

    

2. Find a support group. Groups can help support you through the difficulties and challenges of living with a substance user. You may find support through a church group, a counselor experienced in addictions, or simply some good friends. You may not feel connected to the first support group you attend, but don’t give up!  Keep looking until you find the right one for you.

    

3. Avoid arguments. It is particularly senseless to argue with someone when he/she has been using a substance. In fact, any interaction should be avoided until your partner is sober.

    

4. Be a cheerleader. When the addicted partner is not using, do your best to be positive in order to send the message that you do care about him/her. If you are negative when he/she is not using, you may have fallen into the trap of allowing the substance use to define who you are and how you behave.

    

5. Avoid triggers. Recognize places, people, situations, events, etc., that seem to trigger substance use by your partner. Develop a secret code that your addicted partner can use to signal you that he/she is struggling with a situation and needs help getting away from the temptation. Be sensitive and responsive to his/her needs, even if it means doing things like leaving an event early or not visiting certain family members.

    

6. Find new couple activities. Substance users tend to be very self-focused and spend a lot of time thinking about themselves, their problems, and their cravings. To combat this, you and your partner could find opportunities to get involved in some sort of community service or other activity that focuses mental and physical energy on others. This activity gives your addicted partner, and you, a sense of fulfillment and helps rebuild depleted self-esteem. Doing this together will allow you as a couple to develop a shared interest and new friends around an activity that doesn’t include substance use.

    

7. Rebuild trust over time. When your partner is finally sober, rebuilding a trusting relationship is one of the most difficult obstacles remaining for a couple. This will take time and patience. Find small ways that your addicted partner can successfully show attempts to build trust with you and express your pleasure when he/she succeeds.

    

8. Love the person, hate his/her behaviors. Making a distinction between your partner and his/her behavior is sometimes hard to do, but is an important step toward your own freedom. Your partner is not a “bad” person, but a person with a “bad” disease that is affecting your relationship. When you are able to make this distinction, you are more able to fully heal and/or determine if it is best to part ways.

    

9. Restore communication. You may find that you and your partner are in a pattern of simply reacting to each other in a negative way. Repeated stress may taint your interpretation of one another negatively. Avoid playing the blame game; it takes two to be in the relationship. Rather than telling your partner what you feel he/she is doing wrong, learn to use “I” statements to tell your partner how his/her actions or words make you feel. This will put both of you on a path to restoring communication and trust.

    

10. Relax. Deep breathing exercises, stretching, and other relaxation methods are essential to stress management. They decrease the wear and tear on your mind and body from the difficulties and strains of daily living. Practicing relaxation techniques a few minutes a day can reduce stress symptoms.

Dealing with an addicted partner is complex. It is crucial that you take actions necessary to bolster your own mental health and resilience. Renew your conviction to live your life and not to react to the manipulation of a substance that has taken control of your partner. If your partner, at some point, decides to reclaim control of his/her life and enter into recovery, he/she will find you to be a resilient, helpful companion. Ultimately, seek counseling for both you and your partner if the addictive behaviors do not stop, as there may be underlying issues to address in order to achieve a successful recovery.

Adapted from a National Healthy Marriage Resource Center Tip Sheet by Ronald B. Cox Jr., Ph.D.