Studies show that when baby makes three, conflicts increase eightfold; marriage takes a back seat; women feel overburdened and men feel shoved aside. By the baby’s first birthday, most mothers are less happy about their marriage and some are wondering whether their marriage will even make it. Baby-induced marital meltdowns are not uncommon. With the help of researchers like Dr. John Gottman, at the University of Washington, here’s what we know for sure. In the year after the first baby arrives, 70 percent of wives experience a precipitous plummet in their marital satisfaction. For the husband, the dissatisfaction usually kicks in later, as a reaction to his wife’s unhappiness. It has little to do with whether a couple’s baby is colicky or a good sleeper, whether she is nursing or bottle-feeding, working or staying at home. It simply has to do with how a little addition shifts the whole dynamic within a household.
How can something as good as a little baby turn a marriage so bad? We could point to a wide range of reasons: lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated, the awesome responsibility of caring for such a helpless little creature, juggling chores and other economic stress, and lack of time to oneself, among other things. The root reason, however, is no big mystery. In plain language, children take time and attention away from a marriage. They suck all the hours out of the day and fill up every spare cell in your brain. Being a parent is wonderful, only somehow, it’s made being a spouse . . . different. “Before kids, I was thrilled to hear my husband’s voice on the phone,” said Judy, a few years into motherhood. “Now after a day of meetings and phone calls and carpools and wet swimsuits, I sometimes wonder who is this guy who seems to want food, an audience, and — he’s got to be joking — sex?”
Isn’t it romantic? Of course not. But a lack of romance and connection isn’t inevitable during this phase of marriage. The fact is these are the good times, and that guy leafing through his mail oblivious to the baby’s cries is your partner. That woman who used to give you back rubs and is now busy cleaning peanut butter off door handles is your soul mate. Someday you’re going to look back on this period fondly — but only if both of you can keep this good thing from turning bad. The experts offer a primary suggestion: Expand your sense of “one-ness” to “we-ness” to include your children.
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Source: Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott