Even though you both agreed that you would like to have kids “someday,” the point in time where you decide that someday has arrived, may not coincide with your partner’s plans. The following tips will help you open a dialogue and work through issues that may be causing cold-feet.

Talk about it!  The best way to get the ball rolling is to have an honest conversation with your partner. Deciding to have a baby is a huge life decision. Make your best effort to understand the reasons why he/she is not ready for parenthood at this time. Also, take the time to think through why you are ready. Topics to discuss include:
 

• Health – The first and most obvious topic is around your family planning strategy. Some couples will get pregnant immediately and others will need more time. For both partners, being healthy is important to getting pregnant. Spend time talking about your eating habits, vices (such as alcohol, tobacco or caffeine), exercise and the ups/downs associated with pregnancy. Pregnancy can be a challenge on both partners as physical and emotional changes occur, so it is best to talk about this in advance. Don’t ignore the health of your marriage either – as things will only get more challenging when there’s a baby in the mix. Work out any issues you have within your marriage before welcoming a child into your lives.
   
• Expectations – Having a baby is a wonderful, but big change in your life. Be realistic about how this changes your expectations in your relationship. Consider who will care for the baby; do you have space for a crib; which family members/friends can help; do you still get to have guys/girls night. Also, discuss that some pregnancies have complications and the possibility that you and your partner may have a difficult time conceiving. Prepare your relationship to manage the process of starting a family and the challenges associated with it.
   
• Values – Deciding to have a baby is a time to explore your values and how you want to raise a child – everything from setting a bedtime to religious ceremonies. Remember it is not just about having a baby, but raising a child together. You do not have to agree on everything before starting a family but you should feel safe and secure in your relationship to talk about what beliefs and values you want to impart on your child.
   
• Money – Babies are expensive and that goes beyond buying diapers and cute little outfits. From paying for child care and health care costs to possibly losing one parent’s income during maternity/paternity leave, there are a variety of costs associated with the birth of a baby that impact your family. Discuss how your financial situation may change with the addition of a baby to your family. Again, you do not need all the answers but you need to start the conversation.

Talking about starting a family may not be an easy conversation to have, especially if your spouse is reluctant. You may each have strong and emotional feelings on this topic. Set them aside for this conversation – don’t start your talk after a difficult day or when you only have 10 minutes together. Be a good listener and know you may have to revisit this topic multiple times before you come to an agreement.

Be Patient. Even if you hear a biological clock ticking or are so eager to be a parent you can hardly stand it, do not push your partner into something he/she isn’t ready for. Similarly, don’t blame your partner for his/her reluctance or uncertainty. When it comes to parenthood it is important to be flexible and learn to make decisions as a team. Learning this lesson now will pay dividends after you have a child together! 

Getting on the same page with your spouse is the first step. Once everything is on the table, you and your partner can work together to determine when the time is right. Remember that it isn’t just about starting a family; it’s about growing together as a couple, at a pace that is comfortable for both of you.