Like any other major life decision, buying a home tends to produce anxiety. Questions of “Can we afford this? Is this a wise investment? Did we make the right decision?” preoccupy our thoughts. We fixate on the immediate logistical issues: What neighborhood to live in, how many bedrooms are needed, how much to spend, etc. But deeper concerns can also surface during this time…

Couples establishing a home together often experience parallel fears about the relationship. The pressure of buying a home together can intensify these doubts: “Can we make this marriage work? Is it worth the effort?” Even after you unpack the last box, these fears may linger. To build a happy home together, it is essential to first build the foundational aspects of your relationship.

Making a Home Feel “Homey”

We’ve all envied the mansion on the hill with its fourteen televisions, infinity pool and theatre room. But if we dig deeper into our subconscious desires, we realize our ideal vision of “home” is usually more modest. The things that best capture the essence of home aren’t necessarily extravagant: a comfortable couch, a cozy blanket, maybe something baking in the oven. And most of all, we long for the space to be filled with people we love and who love us in return.

Relationship Building Blocks

A house does not make a home. A home is where we feel safe to be ourselves and to let our guard down. If the fundamental dimensions of your relationship—trust, communication or respect—aren’t solid, prioritize repairing those elements above other home improvements.

Buyer’s Remorse

No matter how much furniture you have, a new house usually feels a bit empty at first. There are always unexpected “holes” that need to be filled: The walls look bleak. The floors are barren. The living room needs more lamps. But our most cherished belongings usually aren’t acquired in a massive shopping spree. The items we treasure are usually collected gradually—picked up on vacations or outings together, passed down from loved ones, etc. Don’t get caught up in instantly acquiring things; focus on finding things together as a couple, over time. You’ll be less likely to regret your purchases and you’ll wind up with items that are meaningful to you both.

In addition to new furniture and décor, most homes require some other initial investments—household repairs, new paint, etc. As the bills and projects mount, so can the tension. One spouse may feel like he/she is doing all the work. The other may feel that his/her spouse is out of control or overspending. Instead of lashing out at each other, recognize that establishing a home is inherently stressful. Differences of opinion are natural and to be expected during a major adjustment. Practice good communication skills and be willing to compromise on projects and expenditures.

Protecting Your Investment

Your home is one of the most important financial investments you’ll ever make. You are right to be concerned with protecting its beauty and value. But during chaos of home buying, moving and redecorating, remember that your investment in your spouse is one of the most important personal investments you’ll ever make. By taking good care of your relationship, you’ll be able to lie down each night and bask in your enviable position of having found someone (not just somewhere) to call home.