Shouldn’t she be in bed by now? What that kid needs is a good spanking. Let him stay up another hour. Hasn’t she had enough sugar?
Whether in the form of passive-aggressive “suggestions” or overt criticism, in-laws can sometimes be a little too helpful when it comes to your children.
Your in-laws may ignore your parenting rules or impose their own. They may be overly indulgent or overly harsh with your children.
Their intrusiveness is not always intentional. And it’s somewhat understandable—your in-laws have been parents for decades and are accustomed to exerting their authority.
Still, when your in-laws meddle in your parenting, it can create conflict throughout the family, including in your relationship with your spouse. It can also create confusion for your child: Do I listen to Mommy, to Grandma … or to whoever’s answer I like better?
If your in-laws are overstepping their boundaries when it comes to your children, you may need to clarify the ground rules…
When In-Laws Get Out of Line
Establish Boundaries
Set good boundaries early and enforce them consistently. Don’t expect your in-laws to automatically know your parenting rules; communicate these rules clearly to your in-laws beforehand. Some rules may require repeating, too.
Don’t Let Conflict Build
Address relatively minor issues when they happen—so long as you can keep a cool head. For example, if your child has a tantrum and your father-in-law criticizes how you respond, say “I understand you have a different perspective on discipline. But my spouse and I have chosen what we think is the most effective approach for our child.” For major or recurring incidents, you may need to take some time to collect your thoughts first … and to enlist your spouse’s help.
Stay United
Your best defense against invasive in-laws is a strong alliance with your spouse. Make sure you are on the same page when it comes to key parenting issues. Then stick together. Your spouse should generally take the lead when dealing with major conflicts involving your in-laws—he/she knows them better than you. Your in-laws may be more receptive to comments coming directly from your spouse. If your spouse has a hard time confronting his/her parents, co-dependency issues may need to be addressed.
Don’t Let Yourself Be Undermined
If your in-laws contradict or question your parenting decisions in front of your children, pull your in-laws aside to discuss. Children need clarity and consistency. When different family members apply different rules or standards, it can create confusion. Say, “I understand your opinion, but I would appreciate you speaking to me privately about any concerns you have. When you question my decisions in front of my child, it undermines my authority as a parent. I know you want the best for my child … and consistent rules and a clear chain of authority are what’s best for him/her.”
Respect Your In-Laws’ Authority While Upholding Your Own
When it comes to parenting your children, you and your spouse are the ultimate authorities. However, you should continue to show all due respect to your in-laws. And in certain situations, their authority may still override yours. For example, if you are living with your in-laws and they ask you not to let the children jump on the bed, you should honor their request—even if you don’t see any harm in the situation. This is a “rule of the house” where you are a guest, rather than an intrusion into your parenting style.
Assess Your In-Laws Flaws Objectively
If your in-laws are truly bad people and treat their grandchildren terribly, they probably shouldn’t be in your children’s lives. However, if they are simply misguided in their efforts to ensure your child’s well-being, gently steer them toward more constructive ways to accomplish this goal.
Communicate Diplomatically
If you want your children to respect you, but you publicly disrespect your spouse’s parents, you weaken your case. You have the right to raise your child in the manner you see fit—just as your in-laws did with their own children. But by respectfully working through issues with your in-laws, you teach your child proper respect for authority and good conflict management skills.
Show Appreciation
Sincere appreciation helps defuse tension. Even when things are difficult, try to look for the positive in your in-laws. Are they generous with their grandchildren? Are they willing to help babysit? Have they graciously opened their home to you? If so, let your in-laws know how much you appreciate these contributions; make sure your spouse hears this praise too. We are naturally protective of our families, even if they drive us up the wall. Hearing you affirm his/her parents’ good traits can lower your spouse’s defenses and make him/her more likely to back you up when his/her parents truly step over the line.
In-laws usually want what is best for their grandchildren—they just may have different ideas about how to achieve this end. We choose our spouses and their parents are part of a package deal. The suggestions above can help make the arrangement feel more like a gift—and less like a burden.