I would expect that next year, people will share twice as much information as they share this year, and next year, they will be sharing twice as much as they did the year before.

– Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook founder

Much has been made lately about our tendency to overshare about ourselves online. But perhaps more should be made about our tendency to overshare about our partners—both online and offline.

The decision to disclose unnecessary details about ourselves is our prerogative. We must simply face the consequences—whether it affects our job, friendships or reputation. But our partners don’t have a choice in what we share about them. They are at our mercy.

If Zuckerberg’s prediction is correct, privacy as we know it may eventually cease to exist. Those from Zuckerberg’s school of thought may argue we secretly want it that way—that we value disclosure more than privacy.

But even if we are the emotional exhibitionists Zuckerberg assumes we are, we should never presume the same for our partners. Doing so is potentially damaging to a relationship.

What makes an “intimate relationship” intimate is that what is shared between a couple is exclusive to that couple. A relationship involves not just “you” or “me,” but "we." This strange we creature is relatively defenseless—if a couple doesn’t protect it, no one will.

Why We Overshare

Sharing facilitates bonding. We feel closest to the people who know the most about us (so long as they keep our confidence).

Some of us are more prone to oversharing than others. We may be verbal processers—things make more sense after we’ve talked them out. Friends and family can offer valuable relationship insights.

Some of us are naturally open—we don’t think twice about sharing about ourselves. So applying a verbal filter when speaking about our partners doesn’t come easily.

Others of us find things slipping out of our mouths, without knowing why. If a friend is sharing something deeply personal, we may feel pressure to also share, so they feel less exposed. Or we may simply need to vent.

What Qualifies as “Oversharing”?

Do you divulge your frustrations with your partner to all your friends on Facebook? Do you blog about your partner’s sexual failings or preferences? Do you tweet about your fights, provoking friends to pick a side? If so, you’ve stepped over the line. Pinpointing this line, however, isn’t always so clear…

So what is oversharing versus a legitimate need to dialogue about a relationship? It depends on:

• Your Motivation
  Do you really need to process through a topic—or are you looking for attention? Don’t expose your partner’s private world simply for entertainment value or your own emotional gratification.
   
• Your Partner
  Is your partner an extremely private person? Consider his/her comfort level when sharing with your friends. If you really need to talk about something, pick one or two close confidants to share with (rather than your entire social circle). If you need someone else to process with, consider a professional therapist. Therapists are paid, in part, to keep confidences.
   
• Your Friend/Family
  Some people simply can’t be trusted with a secret. It doesn’t necessarily make them bad people. You can still love your blabber-mouth best friend. Just think twice about sharing anything with him/her that might mortify your partner. Sharing with your family may be even more embarrassing for your partner, even if those family members are discrete. What you share may permanently alter your loved ones’ perceptions of your partner as well.
   
• Your Age
  Different generations may define “oversharing” differently. Older generations tend to be more guarded, reluctant to “air dirty laundry.” Millennials (usually defined as those born after 1980) are often quite comfortable sharing both mundane and intimate details. They may be more inclined to share intimate images as well—a practice that can have humiliating consequences.
   
• Your Gender (Sort of)
  Women are sometimes (although not always) more verbal than men. Accordingly, women may be more inclined to talk through all facets of their relationships. Men have a reputation for “locker room” talk, but women can be guilty of the same. After all, a man who details his sexual exploits (or misadventures) may be accused of being crude or sexist. But a woman doing the exact same thing may simply be seen as expressive. Whatever your gender, it shouldn’t be used as a blanket excuse for sharing information that could embarass your partner.

Protecting Your Relationship

If your partner never finds out that you are sharing about him or her, it is unlikely to cause conflict in your relationship. It may still be a violation of his/her trust, however. And if word ever does get back to your partner, he or she is likely to feel hurt or betrayed.

Trust is essential to the emotional health of any relationship. If you have overshared about your partner in the past, try a little self-censorship. Start by asking yourself if you would be comfortable with your partner sharing the same level of detail with others. Then end by asking yourself if your partner would be comfortable with what you are sharing.