Is a Lengthy Engagement Really Necessary
If anyone can show just cause why this couple may not be lawfully joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

During the long, awkward pause that follows, you wonder, “Who came up with that awful question and why?” 

It’s no surprise that most couples today omit the question from their wedding ceremony; the question makes people uncomfortable. And it’s pretty unlikely that something is seriously wrong — like the groom stockpiling multiple wives or the bride being a "black widow" who, like the spider, devours her mates. Any concerns we have about a couple are generally far more mundane — maybe they fight all the time or can’t communicate. Even if you have concerns, though, it’s unlikely that you’d actually vocalize them on the couple’s wedding day.

But the intent behind the question is to provide an opportunity to address any concerns about the pending marriage.

While the wedding day is probably not the best time to explore issues in a couple’s relationship, the engagement period is. The engagement period also serves several other important functions: 

Benefits of the Engagement Period 

  • Preparing for the Wedding
    Most couples need at least six months to pull off a traditional wedding. For this reason alone, a relatively long engagement is useful.
     
  • Getting to Know Your Fiance 
    The average engagement period in the United States is around 16 months. But many couples marry spontaneously, with little advance notice. This approach may work for couples who’ve dated a long time. But for couples who haven’t dated very long, the engagement can provide a critical “cooling off” period. Couples who rush into marriage may later ask themselves: “Did I make the right decision?” Couples who take their time before marriage have the comfort of knowing they at least made an informed decision.
     
  • Finishing School or Other Key Milestones
    The current divorce rate over a lifetime — around 50% — is discouraging. Education and age, however, are two important variables that can affect your probability of divorce. For example, if you wait until age 25 — and have at least some college education — your likelihood of divorce drops to about 20%. If you are young and can’t imagine waiting until age 25, postponing marriage for even a few years can still help your chances.

    Some young couples manage to defy the odds through commitment and good communication. But maturity and higher education (which generally means higher earning potential) can definitely reduce stress in a relationship.
     

  • Getting to Know Finance’s Family
    Getting to know your finance’s family before marriage is always a good idea. Doing so will prevent you from being blindsided by any family tensions — co-dependency, control issues, etc. — that may surface in the relationship.
     
  • Save Money for the Wedding 
    The average wedding in America costs between $22,000 and $27,000. No one, of course, has to spend that much. But if you want a big wedding, the engagement period can be a good time to save money for the wedding and avoid debt.
     
  • Prepare for Marriage Itself
    The majority of couples (64%) marrying today live together before marriage. Even so, marriage can still pack some surprises. Premarital preparation can help minimize these surprises and equip you and your fiancé for a healthy, lasting marriage. In fact, couples who participate in premarital counseling are 30% less likely to divorce.

    If premarital counseling makes you nervous, try a marriage and relationship education (MRE) class instead. MRE workshops are held in group settings and focus on core relationship skills. Whichever approach you choose, be sure you discuss the following issues before you marry:

    • Do you want to have children? Is so, how many and when?
    • What are your feelings about divorce? What do you consider valid grounds for divorce (e.g., falling out of love, infidelity, etc.)?
    • What are your sexual expectations?
    • How will you manage your finances?
    • If you have children, will one of you stay home or will both of you work?
    • If your marriage gets rocky, how will you respond? Do you both agree to seek professional help before your marriage reaches a breaking point?

It’s difficult to pinpoint the “ideal” engagement length — each relationship is different. However, being engaged for a minimum of six months allows time to work through important relationship issues.

While having a relatively long engagement is a good idea, having your engagement drag on indefinitely (with no clear wedding date in sight) is not. Reluctance to set a date — or repeated postponements of the wedding — could indicate doubts or fears about the marriage.

An engagement is a formal declaration that you intend to spend the rest of your life with another person. Instead of letting wedding planning consume all of your time, use this critical period to build a strong foundation for a loving, lasting marriage.