Pressured to Have a ChildBefore I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. ~John Wilmot

If you’ve been married more than a few months, chances are you’ve been asked when you’re planning to have children.

The most intimate parts of your relationship suddenly are considered acceptable conversation topics for parents, grandparents, friends and coworkers.

The longer you’re together, the more frequent — and more pointed — the questions and suggestions become.

People may assume that you don’t want children, which in some people’s minds means one or both partners are putting their own desires, perhaps for time, perhaps for money, above their parental instincts and role.

Or people may assume that you do want children, but are having problems, which to some means one partner or the other is in some way physically inadequate. That’s when the unsolicited advice turns from annoying to downright hurtful.

Ignore the Noise

The two of you are responsible for your family. If you choose to have children, the idea is that they will be raised by you, not your parents, grandparents, friends or coworkers.

Be honest with your spouse. Discuss what you want, and listen to what your spouse wants. Decide together if, when and how many children you want.

It may be wise to seek advice from trusted friends and family. That advice may include the financial effects, the time commitment and the changes in intimacy or alone time. No matter what advice you receive, ultimately the two of you are responsible to and for your new family.

Leave Room For Change

You may decide you want one path for your family today, only to want something else later. Clarify with your spouse that it is OK to reevaluate your plans. Make it safe for both you and your spouse to be honest if you have changed your mind or are thinking you might want to do something different.

Whether or not your plans change, the important thing is that the two of you agree.

Time to Talk

If the two of you do not have the same plans, talk it out.

In Fighting for Your Marriage, authors Dr. Howard Markman, Dr. Scott Stanley and Dr. Susan Blumberg write about the importance of agreement and compromise in a relationship.

“Marriage is about teamwork. The two of you will see some things differently. You would at times make different decisions. However, many times the best solution will be a compromise in which neither of you gets everything you wanted. You’re not going to have a great marriage if you insist on getting your way all the time. The two of you nurture a great marriage when you can put the needs of the relationship above your individual desires at key times of life.”

Some decisions you make as a couple will have farther-reaching consequences than others. Few decisions will be as lasting or as life-altering as deciding whether to have children or whether to have another child.

Take your time. Decide together.

Regardless of what you decide, don’t think the unsolicited advice will go away.

If you choose to have children, you can expect all kinds of advice about how to raise them and how to teach them to behave.

Be polite. Say “Thank you.” And continue to work with your spouse to make the best decisions for your family.