Friendship and love — it doesn’t seem fair that you should ever have to choose between them. But when your closest friends don’t get along with your significant other, it feels like you are being forced to make an impossible decision. Before you give up either your friends or your partner, consider what might be causing the antipathy…

What’s behind the dislike?

Is this an isolated incident or a pattern?
Do your friends have a history of despising everyone you date? If so, they may think no one is good enough for you. But if your friends have been supportive of past relationships, it’s possible they see something you don’t in your significant other. Another factor is whether just one of your friends doesn’t like your mate — or all of them. If there’s universal disdain for your partner, there’s probably a pretty compelling reason.

Do they see your mate as a bad influence?
If your significant other is dragging you into destructive behaviors or dangerous situations, your friends will be understandably concerned. Addiction, abuse and cruelty are likely to trigger their alarms, and should trigger your own as well. If you are regularly attracted to people who treat you badly, your friends may just want to help you find a nice guy or girl.

Is it possible they know something you don’t?
Seemingly irrational dislike for your mate may very well have a rational explanation. Friends are often reluctant to share the true reason for not liking your partner — out of concern for your feelings, out of fear that you won’t believe them, or out of fear that you will believe them, but resent them anyway. For example, your friends may know (or at least suspect) that your mate has been unfaithful but may hesitate to tell you lest you “shoot the messenger” by breaking off the friendship.

Could it be jealousy?
You friends may be concerned about “losing” you to your boyfriend or girlfriend. This may stem from their insecurity or from the fact that you have indeed prioritized time with your partner far and above time with them. They may also be jealous of your relationship status (although this shouldn’t be callously thrown back in their face). But true friends should eventually be able to master their jealousy and be happy for you.

Is it simply a personality clash?
Sometimes people just don’t click. The dislike may be mutual: Your significant other may not be fond of your friends either. Your mate and your friends may not have much in common or may have wildly different dispositions. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do about that — some personality gulfs will never be fully bridged.

Making It Work

Have a candid conversation
If your friends haven’t clearly stated their reasons for disliking your partner, be brave enough to ask. Do they feel that he or she is controlling, selfish or immature? Do they feel like he or she is trying to make you into something you are not? Don’t be defensive when your friends do share; they may be off-base, but they might have some important insights too. And totally dismissing your friends’ claims is likely to strengthen their conviction that your significant other has brainwashed you. Acknowledge any truth in what they say and then help them to understand a more complete picture of your partner. On that note….

Share positive things about your partner
If you are constantly complaining about your mate, this is bound to taint your friends’ views of him/her. Everyone needs to vent, but remember to intersperse some good things about your partner in front of your friends. Their impression of your significant other is shaped in part by what you share about him/her; if you focus only on the negative, they are likely to do the same.

Ask for help
Your partner has probably already noticed the tension; if so, ask for his/her help in improving relations with your friends. If your friends have been openly rude to your partner, he or she may regard them as one hostile pack. Share more about your history with those friends and what each has added to your life. This will help your partner understand your bond with these individuals and see their positive attributes. Likewise, ask your friends to be open-minded toward your partner. Your friends may never totally hit it off with your mate, but they should at least be able to be civil.  If nothing else, your partner and your friends share a love of you and should all have your best interests at heart.

If all efforts to get your friends and your boyfriend/girlfriend to get along ultimately fail, you may have to enjoy them separately. You may not get to spend as much time together in one happy group as you might like, but plenty of people have made the same situation work.