Finding true love can be a formidable task for anyone, but especially for single parents: You have less time and more criteria. You need a man or woman who likes your children, whom your children like in return and whom you are crazy about. Bonus points for someone with domestic powers, a hefty paycheck and crushing good looks.
Trying to find “the one” while carting kids around town may seem like a super-human feat. The good news is you are no ordinary mortal: you are a single parent. That fact may initially seem to put you at a dating disadvantage. But single parents have a secret weapon when it comes to love: unparalleled strength and determination. Over the years, you have developed nerves of steel and a preternatural ability to multi-task. With skills like that, dating as a single parent shouldn’t seem like such a challenge….
Know your enemies
Any superhero facing a difficult mission must know his or her enemies. Despite what you may think, time (or lack thereof) is not your chief adversary. Motivation is the real enemy. You work hard; any surplus energy is quickly zapped by the children you have sworn to protect. Should you “abandon” your post for even one Friday night date, your children may stage a rebellion.
Your child’s resistance to your love life can quickly drain your motivation. But if you really want to find love, you have to make time for it. There will always be something that seems more pressing — swim lessons, ballet class, etc. But try to block out at least a couple of hours per week for personal development and dating.
Spot the opportunities
If you are looking for a serious relationship, bars and clubs are probably not your best bet. Instead, look for love in places where ordinary people do ordinary things in their ordinary clothes. Join a kid-friendly gym or frequent a coffee shop while your child is in piano lessons, karate class, etc.
Even a simple shopping excursion can turn up prospects. Don’t troll the aisles, but do look for natural opportunities for conversation. Stay focused on the other person rather than a pre-packaged pick-up line. Lead with a simple, non-threatening question such as, “Any idea which brand is best?” or, “Where did you find that Steelers t-shirt?” If the person seems receptive, introduce yourself and ask for a date.
Your children’s many activities may actually yield some potential dating candidates, provided there are other single adults involved. Even if there aren’t, network with other parents: friends of friends and blind dates are still common ways to meet people. Just take things slowly if you do meet someone via your child’s school or hobbies — your child will be more sensitive to the situation and you may have to sit through PTA meetings together.
Engage your weapons
Take advantage of modern technology. Online dating is a great resource for single parents. Once you’ve tucked in the kids in bed, you can fire up the computer and work on your profile and connections. There are even niche dating sites for single parents. Some online dating sites have applications to make it easy to connect via your smart phone — no more time wasted in the dentist’s waiting room!
Remember the cause
Your life is complicated, so know what you want most from a dating relationship. Simply wanting to share the rest of your life with someone is a perfectly reasonable ambition. It isn’t necessarily a selfish one either. Your kids can and should remain a priority. But the right partner — with the right commitment — can also bring value to your child’s life.
Engage your sidekicks
Single parents come complete with little sidekicks. They’re cute, but they don’t always play nicely with others. And they are prone to view every new boyfriend or girlfriend as an arch rival. There’s no quick trick for winning them over, but a sincere, patient and loving partner usually does … eventually. Be sure to wait until someone truly becomes significant to you before introducing them to your children as a “significant other.”
Defend the defenseless
It’s hard to know whom to trust, especially around your children. Taking relationships slowly is the best screening system. Very few psychos sneak past a simple background check and proper caution in the get-to-know-you phase. That being said, not everyone out there is a villain.
Band together
Once you find someone, you may need to get creative to find ways to spend quality time together. Lunch dates and coffee dates are low-commitment ways to connect throughout the week. If you share custody, plan more traditional dates when your child is at the other parent’s house. If you are the full-time caregiver, friends or family members may be willing to watch the kids occasionally. If you both have young children, consider play dates together (avoid activities where the kids are likely to compete for toys or resources).
Granted, single parents are generally busier than the average person. But don’t use your child as a defensive shield against any form of dating. Sometimes love does happen when we least expect it. But it rarely happens without a little bit of effort.